Christmas in Tassie 2009

December 14th a year ago Chita rang me while I was out on the Derwent river taking 6 students through a motor boat licence. He had accidentally told the Department of Immigration that we were getting married in December. I got back to shore, googled marriage celebrants and got someone to marry us. This year has gone so fast. Its been a roller coaster ride.
Chita and I are two single people, different gender and culture who have spent their first year together. Aprilthis year, I gathered up heaps of paperwork to satisfy the immigration case manager and a month later Chita received temporary residency which comes up in April 2011- and THEN he can become a permanent resident of Australia. I have never been much of a number and date girl, but a calendar is now a vital part of my life.
On December 18 last year Chita arrived on a plane from Nadi, with a backpack, looking thin, and goosebumps on his arms, to meet me. A year later he has completed a Certificate III in Aged Care, has been contracted as a teacher aide at a high school here in Hobart and does casual shifts in Aged Care. He now has a wardrobe of his own, full of stuff he buys from the salvos, or has been given by friends and family. He also has a basket of shoes, size 12.
He has his Learner's permit and will chalk up the required 50 hours in January to apply for an automatic licence.We are also looking at buying a more recent model automatic car and will be doing our research in the holidays. I can't wait for him to take over more of the driving. I have felt like a parent, having to drop him off places and then hang around sometimes to pick him up.
The challenge for any Australian woman who brings an Indigenous Fijian to Australia is suddenly realising that I am responsible for another person who does not have a clue about MY life.I have to manage two lives not one.
The benefits are having someone to share the journey. Someone who has a beaming smile and is very cheeky and makes me laugh a lot. Someone who can do the hard physical stuff, that I struggle with. Someone to talk to on a long car ride to Launceston. Someone who sings to me daily. Someone who gives me a hug daily - yes he does....
The hard stuff for me is....

I have all the financial responsibility. He thought my family would buy a house for us and that I would buy him a car.... He is learning the word 'budget' and has his own savings account. The day after he opened it, he raced back to the bank to check it was all still in there....
He worked and saved for a boys weekend in Adelaide to see the Fiji Sevens and the Tassie Fijians were in the background most days of the tv viewing. He has been to Melbourne twice, and Sydney for Fiji Day in October. The Tubunas get around...
I have had to support this man that I love totally to come to terms with a completely different culture. Everything I think about is for us both and that's been a big adjustment for both of us. Dreams of Sicily in September have been blown out the window as we discuss strategies to make our lives together better.
I have had to develop communication strategies to bridge the male-female divide with someone who comes from a male dominated culture. I have been a strong and independent woman for a long time now, and it has been tough at times.
I have had to support someone who has had continual bouts of homesickness and spent the first 8 months asking 'When am I going back to Fiji?".
Turning the 'I' into a 'we' is a perpetual journey.
You can take the Fijian out of the village, but the village is still in his head. I have had some major issues to deal with and we are slowly working on them.
Being a couple, is an expected part of our culture. Chita initially thought he could just keep doing what he was doing in Fiji and I would do whatever I was doing (he had no idea) and everything would be hunkydory. Not so.
One of the funny moments this year is asking him to wear a suit to a black tie function a couple of weeks a go. His instant response ' I will dress the way I want to". I tried to carefully explain that formal means formal so his agreed concession was to wear a sulu. My sister in law had offered a suit. We had one night to go around and try it on; he refused. Three days later as I am throwing our stuff into the car to drive 2.5 hours to the party. His response was:
Its cold. I think I need to wear my grey jacket and pants.
Its formal remember. Too late. We have no suit. Wear your sulu.
We drive to our destination and I ring a friend who we were going to stay with the following evening. I have learnt that if I try and convince him to do things, I am bossy, and his 'mother' and he digs his heels in and shuts down. Its much easier to hand ball to someone else who he knows and doesn't react to. My friend Mary found a suit, a pale blue shirt, a pale blue, brown and black bowtie and walked him through it.
As he walks to the car, he tells me this is the first and last time he will wear a suit. I smile.
At the party everyone tells him how handsome he looks; Chita beams. At the end of the evening I walk up to him and ask:
How was the party for you?
Easy! Piece of Cake!
One of our big discussions has been about weekends. Chita has become number 7 in the Fijian community and the guys have welcomed him with open arms. We are suddenly a part of a Fijian Australian wedding, the funeral of a Fijian Minister which lasted TWO WEEKS, and kava nights whenever the boys feel like it.It came to a head when I realised he was having a great time and I was staying home alone.... we now talk about balance, between his friends, my friends, time alone and quality time together.
Quality time together is my biggest challenge. Chita runs his social life as it was in the village. My idea of romantic dinners, walks along the beach, going to the movies, and visiting friends for a gourmet weekend retreat- do not exist. He is still in his comfort zone, which I drag him out of occasionally and immersion in Australian culture is still really limited.
We have played mixed volleyballs on a Wednesday nights with friends which has been fun for me, but an adjustment for him as he is a competitive Fijian and the hit and giggle concept is not for him.
He is still uncomfortable in cafes,bars and restaurants. Tasmania is a white Anglo culture, despite a few Sudanese so he feels self conscious. The kids at school thought he was a black American initially, then started calling him 'Puma" instead of Chita (Jita. He can't fade into the background here, but has had to step up and be forthcoming - its taken a year but he is doing extremely well.
I have booked a beach shack for four days in January and we are going to go there alone.... let's see how long that lasts!
We are both community minded and like helping people but I keep reminding him that it shouldn't be not at the cost of our developing relationship. Chita has not had a 'stop' or say 'no button'. We have a 1964 weatherboard with a neglected garden, a veggie patch to dig, a compost heap to set up, a worm farm to get going, and some leaks to plug up. A renovation plan is in our minds but will take years to activate.
We are hosting our first Christmas for my family- 24 in all if everyone turns up. It will be fun watching him run around, play with the kids, serve drinks, wheel my father to the table in his wheel chair, eating Christmas pudding for the second time, glazing the ham stuffing the turkey and enjoying it all.
He spent the weekend with a chain saw chopping down small trees in our garden and cutting down a small pine tree on our boundary line. He brought it inside, filled an old green tin with earth and put it in a corner for me; he trimmed the branches so we could fit the star on top, and watered the garden while I hung up the decorations. He loved it.
Its fun sharing my family celebrations with him and my idea of entertaining with him too.
On Saturday afternoon I invited a few galpals around for a Christmas drink. I decorated the table, threw together a couple of canapes, and sweet treats, and he ended up saying. 'I can't find anyone free this afternoon can I hang around?'
Sure. He served drinks, welcomed everyone with a Merry Christmas and then disappeared into the garage.
His comment- I haven't seen girls do that before...now I get it.
We have had some big fights, arguments and discussions on what a Fijian Australian relationship should look like. Being accountable, avoidance and shut down are not working for him so having to be straight with me is still a challenge. He speaks Fijian daily to the myriad of Fijians in Tasmania, Australia and Fiji that he knows. He has just discovered that seven of his high school mates have migrated to Oz and live in Brisbane. He is ecstatic to be back in contact. He has daily phone calls from the Fiji 8 ( yes another guy has arrived) and a myriad of texts with a constant stream of jokes.... He now turns off his mobile at meal times, and chooses to answer the phone when he is ready, instead of jumping up and running for the phone whenever it rings... the novelty is wearing out. His phone credit never lasts, and he blew most of mine on the weekend.
Its Christmas! We have sent money to his mum and money to his daughter.... so December is covered. If you need to send money overseas Moneygram is the way to go. A flat fee of $12 is charged for up to $2000 Fijian. We never send that much, but it has irked me greatly that Western Union charges $35 and gives a poor exchange rate.
I can't wait for the holidays to potter with my husband in our garden, do a bit of maintenance, and hang. Not having a schedule, not having to get up early, not having to go to meetings, will be fun. We have a barbecue so meals are sorted.
New Year's Eve 2009 is our first year anniversary. We will start with a Fijian lovo and party but will hopefully end up alone...